Wow…what a couple of days I’ve had…Ferris Bueller said “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Boy was he right…Life does move pretty fast.
I woke up Saturday morning early but happy for whatever sleep God allowed after the detonation. I needed to go to the gym. When I got back she was ready for us to have a discussion with the children. We had agreed on Friday night that there was no reason for us to “keep up appearances.” This doesn’t mean we’re headed to the court of Big D immediately. There’s a tax code to take advantage of for God’s sake and divorce is really only relevant if either of us wants to remarry. Not really an option for me and not for her today either. But we’re not going to pretend to have a conventional marriage. So we told the children. More tears, more laughter when we could muster it (think the scene in Talladega Nights where the kids scream “TWO CHRISTMASES” when they’re told of the divorce), and lots of talking. And they know the whole story. The details of this conversation will remain private but I’ll say again that I have the most amazing wife and kids on the planet.
Later that day I sat down with my mother and brought her into the dirty little secret.
Finally, it was time to go see my brother and his wife. For all of my life when people talked about us, I was the smart one and he was the jock. Well, I may be the smart one but he’s the wise one. He asks, probes, seeks the deeper answers. And he’s challenging me on my claim that Steven was not the catalyst to my big reveal. He told me it’s against human nature to jump without a net. Trade in the stability of a traditional marriage with some great kids for the chance to live authentically with the acute knowledge that may mean living alone? He’s not buying it. Now I’ve written about defying gravity before and isn’t that what jumping without a net really is? The chance to truly defy gravity. But gravity is a fundamental law of the universe. So maybe he’s right. Maybe down the road this will be another reality I can face. Maybe it was the realization that without going nuclear I had to continue to live my life with Steven off the radar and that was the actual thought that put me over the edge. Who knows?
Yesterday felt like the last day of summer for my clan. On the water until almost dark and then to Dairy Queen for burgers and Blizzards. The four of us had a great day. Mostly laughs and enjoying each other like we used to. At some point, and I can’t even remember the comment that led him to say it, my son said “life is weird.” Without missing a beat my wife and I said in unison “you have no idea!’ The four of us belly laughed together. I’m a blessed man.
My old motto was Let it Be. Well it is. My new motto is “my life is in chaos and I’ve never felt more at peace.” Lots of change on the horizon. Lots of tears to fall. I’m sure there will be pain in the unraveling of 20 years spent together. But I wouldn’t change a thing. She’s an amazing woman and I want her to be happy again. My kids are amazing and I want them to be well-adjusted. I’m a decent guy and deserve my own happiness. And I know that on the other side of this chasm, I’ll be a better “best friend” to my wife and an even better father to the two best kids in the world.
I hope all of you traveling a similar journey find the same peace on the “other side” as I have found and that you’re surrounded by a support system a tenth as good as mine has been so far.