“Would you tell me please which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
Thanks so much to those of you who have reached out over the last couple of months to inquire if I was (a) still breathing, (b) still fighting, or (c) (and I’m not making this up) still gay. The answer to all of those questions is a resounding yes.
On the questions in the first category, things in my world are surprisingly good on most fronts. My job continues to provide me with the challenge and financial rewards I seek from that part of my life. My kids continue to be my pride and joy and I couldn’t be prouder of the way they are working through all of the changes. And my relationship with Steven continues to flourish. One year ago I wouldn’t have dreamed I would be where I am now. I just walked long enough without knowing where I was headed.
On the questions in the second category, that’s the one area of my world that’s not so good right now. I’ve said on many occasions that my upbringing requires me to use my manners at times and this is one of those times. I’ll close this part of the report only by saying that it is my opinion that there’s a significant difference between being angry and being hateful and she’s crossed that line multiple times. Whether we’ll ever return to being one of those ex-couples who can find a new normal based on the things we originally liked about each other remains to be seen. The legal process is unfolding and it’s every bit as difficult as I imagined.
In the third category I can report that I am most definitely still gay and why that question was raised by more than one person boggles my mind. Trust me on this one…it’s not a choice. I’m learning to embrace the new me. Steven and I went to a holiday party where the entertainment was three guys in drag who sang (very well). While no regular, I have explored the gay part of my town. And little by little it is becoming apparent to all around me (without having to ask) that I’ve switched teams.
I’ve also been doing a lot of reading. I’ve read the Steve Jobs autobiography and, more importantly, I’ve just finished reading a book called Finally Out by Loren Olson, M.D. (available on Amazon, BTW). Like many of us, he didn’t come to terms with his sexuality until he was in his 40’s and is a shrink to boot. When I first saw it I thought “if the head doc didn’t see it coming, I might not be as crazy as I think I am”. It’s a thoughtful, funny read and provides amazing insight that has certainly helped guide me through my first half year on the other side. If you’re struggling with the “how could I not have known” questions from yourself or those around you, pick this book up.
I hope I don’t go another 3 months without checking in but I simply haven’t had much to say recently. Some days are a struggle and others breeze right by. Some days are red-letter on the calendar and others I can’t remember a single valuable detail. With the exception of my divorce (details will not be published) my life is fairly mundane. Steven and I live a domestic life not unlike the straight couples in the other houses on my street. I cook dinner, he cleans up. We do housework together, go to the gym, do our grocery shopping and have dinner out with friends occasionally. We’re just not that exciting. And that’s the dream I’ve had since recognizing my truth – I just want to feel normal.