Surprise, surprise…life was hard enough already, right? Then I have to go nuclear and make it even harder. Oh well, this is still the hand I’m playing and I still think I’m doing the right thing. We’ll make it through this and be stronger on the other side. A friend of mine on FaceBook who doesn’t even know the story yet posted a quote that said “Life is change. Growth is optional.” yesterday and I thought that was pretty good.
So while holding fast to the belief that we’ll be OK on the other side, I’m encountering the expected bumps in the road. My wife and kids are getting settled back in the old neighborhood but that’s bringing its own set of challenges. The upside is that my son is back with his friends and a couple of them have separated or divorced parents so they are helping him with that. Our circumstances are different but I think every broken marriage has its own set of unique circumstances. The downside is that he continues to encounter people he knows who didn’t know they were coming back. It’s a bit much for a 9 year old to have to tell the story. The heartbreaker with him is that he’s expressed on more than one occasion a concern that he may also have the “gay gene”. While he doesn’t harbor any ill will towards me I think he’s right to think “I sure as Hell don’t want to deal with this crap.” And I’ll admit that it does get confusing for me here too. While I truly believe my orientation has been with me since birth, I think it’s different than my eye color, hair color, etc. So just how genetic is this thing? Anyway, we’re working with him and the school counselor knows what’s going on too.
My daughter seems fine. She’s totally immersed back in her old school with her old circle of friends and they’re giving her the support she needs. She sounds just the same when I talk to her on the phone and appears to be taking all of this in stride.
My wife, like me, has good days and bad days with all of this. Her analytical mind has reared its head and she’s trying to reconcile everything. She’s going through all of the “typical” emotions that death brings. She also appears to be asking the same questions that so many wives in her place ask. I’m trying my best to answer her questions honestly but there are some I cannot even answer to myself so I have no idea how to answer her and I’ve told her that. We continue to be very supportive of each other and I think she knows how much I do still love her.
As for me, I’m doing OK. Still relying on medication more than I should but it’s getting better. I’ve found a therapist and we’re working on getting a normal schedule set up. I’m carrying a lot of guilt around because of all of this and I need someone to help me process that. Steven is unbelievable. He’s been so incredibly supportive and loving through all of this. I’m thankful for the small bit of “routine” life we are able to establish. Lunch together a couple of times a week. Dinners when we can. And very regular communication. I can’t ask for more.
Keep me and my family in your prayers, my friends. We need it.